101 Best One-Liners
01. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
02. Borrow money from a pessimist- they don't expect it back.
03. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
04. LOTTERY: a tax on people who are bad at math.
05. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a
vegetarian.
06. Never answer an anonymous letter.
07. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
08. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
09. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
10. Few woman admit there age; few men act it.
11. If you aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they mad out of meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth. how about a fountain of "smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: natures way of feeding the mosquitoes
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who
can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a big word?
21. Nuke the whales
22. Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually a sign of bad memory.
26. As long as there are test, there will be prayer in public schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks your an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to
reach it.
30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. then things got worse.
34. Be nice to your kids. they'll choose your nursing home.
35. DNA: National Dyslexic Association. (NOTE FROM SARAH:
it's really Deoxyribonucleic acid)
36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
38. Eat right. stay fit. die anyway.
39. DARE to keep cops off donuts.
40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
41. Dyslexics of the world, untie.
42. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
43. God make mankind. Sin made him evil.
44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. they're everywhere.
45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
46. Don't steal, the government hates competition.
47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
48. National atheist's day April 1st.
49. All generalizations are false.
50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
52. If your don't like the news, go out and make some.
53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
54. IRS: we've got what it takes to take what you have got.
55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
57. I can handle pain until it hurts.
58. No matter where you go, you are there.
59. If everything is coming your way, then your in the wrong lane.
60. It's been Monday all week.
61. Gravity always gets me down.
62. This statement is false.
63. Eschew obfuscation.
64. They told me I was gullible.... and I believed them.
65. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
67. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
69. The big bang theory: God spoke and BANG!! it happened.
70. Atheism is non-prophet organization.
71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?
72. Save the whales. collect the whole set.
73. A day without sunshine is like, night.
74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
75. Corduroy pillows: they make headlines.
76. Gravity- it's not just a good idea, it's the LAW !
77. Life is too complicated in the morning.
78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic- ten out of ten of us die.
79. Nobody's perfect. I'm nobody.
80. Ask me about my vow of silence.
81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of
the bread.
82. The last thing on earth you want to do is the last thing you do.
83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else got your way.
84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of
euphoria.
85. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to bye her friends?
87. Stop repeat offenders. don't re-elect them!
88. I intend to live forever. so far so good.
89. Who is "general failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice??
91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
92. The energizer bunny arrested; charged with battery.
93. I didn't used to finish sentences, but now I
94. I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
96. Vacation begins when dad says, "I know a short cut".
97. Evolution: true science fiction.
98. What is another word for Thesaurus?
99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
100. A flashlight is for holding dead batteries.
101. I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
*Extra! Living on earth may be expensive, but at least we get a free trip around the sun every year.